04 Oct 06
Too Tall stands out as much as his pet.
The pet. A large grasshopper. Black but with patches of lustrous yellow. Looks like something you'd see on an acid trip that's about to go bad.
Too Tall. Six foot seven. Of Puerto Rican descent. Face resembles Adam Sandler's. Has tattoos of Japanese characters on his neck (vampire in red and courage in black), a skull in a stingy-brim hat on his left shoulder and angels on his back that could do with a touch-up by Raphael.
“How’d you end up in prison?” I asked.
“I got eight-and-a-half years for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon 'cause I stabbed a dude that was a chick that I thought was a dude.”
“How did that happen?”
“I was gamblin’ at pool with the person I thought was a dude. I won money and the dude didn’t wanna pay up. We took it outside, and he pulled out a knife and stabbed me in the arm. So I took the knife and stabbed the dude in the chest, half an inch from the heart. Then I blacked out 'cause my blood-alcohol level was so high. At first the cops thought it was a dude, but when the paramedics lifted his shirt they saw a pair of tits. The cops beat the shit outta me after they’d found out I’d stabbed a woman. My left arm swolled out like a softball. My right knee swoll like a football. The back of my head swoll like a beachball. The victim was a bull dyke who dressed like a guy on the streets, but showed up in court wearin’ makeup and a dress.”
“And you got eight-and-a-half years for stabbing someone who’d stabbed you first?”
“’Cause my public defender didn’t help me for shit. He told me to sign, and I’d get from three-and-a-half to five. I signed and got eight-and-a-half. All he cared about was gettin’ me to sign a plea bargain, and gettin’ his pay check from the government.”
“You musta been drinking a lot?”
“Yeah they brought me back to life twice.”
“What had you drunk?”
“Two gallons of hard liquor: Black Velvet Whisky, Puerto Rican Spice Rum, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, Bacardi Rum. And twelve large pitchers of Budweiser.”
“That’s a fair amount of alcohol. So when do you get out?”
“In three-and-a-half years.”
Did Too Tall act in self-defence? Did he deserve to be beaten by the cops for stabbing a woman? Did he deserve his sentence?
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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood